(Bio)family

Hi. It’s Father’s Day today, which is probably one of my most un-favorite days of the entire year (tldr my bio-dad has struggled with mental illness since I was young and because of this we don’t have a great relationship)

I was talking to my grandma recently, though, and I was realizing that even though I’m not super close with my bio-family, my chosen family kicks butt in a major way. My awesome sisters, who see good in me that I honestly cannot, and send me random cute things to cheer me up. My brother who is I think at this point a human teddy-bear.

And my chosen dad. My Tigger. My amazing beautiful human being who is, as I’ve said before, basically the human version of a golden retriever and also powered by caffeine.

I’m not sure if I’ll end up showing this to you guys because I’m uncomfortable showing how much of an UNAPOLOGETIC SAP I am (lol) but just putting this one out into the universe.

Happy Un-Fathers Day to me.

Peace,

Seren

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Summer Goals Update (i guess)

Hey guys,

Just a little quickie today, updating on my summer projects –

  • French is going pretty well! I think I didn’t realize how much knowing Spanish would help, and I think I’ll probably be able to have basic conversations by the end of summer, which is pretty good.
  • Celloing has been…okay. To be honest, I should be practicing more than I am right now, but I’m heading off to music camp today and that should help some 🙂
  • Drawing’s been fun, though honestly I am so ridiculously insecure about it that I’m worried I’ll give up on it.

Yeah, that’s about it.

Peace,

Seren

I Am Not A Bad Person

I am a sap. I will admit this freely.

Part of this means I have what I think of as a “theme of the year,” a word or phrase that encapsulates how I’ve grown up or changed over the course of the year. This year, overly ambitious as always, I decided to call the year of learning to love myself.

No surprise to anyone (except maybe my overly optimistic and perfectly sweet friends) this didn’t happen…but something else did. Something that, honestly, I didn’t expect to come out of all this.

I grew up in a not-so-great household, where even if it wasn’t said, it was implied pretty often that I was a bad person. Not in those words, of course. Ditzy, clumsy, ignorant. Inconsiderate. Awkward. Hard to love.

I came into this year expecting to love myself, but I don’t yet. Here is what I do know, though. I am not a bad person. No matter what I do, no matter what names people call me. That’s something that goes right down to the core of who I am and it is never going to change.

Self-love isn’t something that will come easily to me, I know that, but I think this is a good step in the right direction. I’m proud of that. (Go me!)

Peace,

Seren

In Which I Am Overly Ambitious (as always)

Hi guys,

It’s been a hot second since I drafted anything…the post from Monday was scheduled while I was still in a hotel with wifi in the beginning of my vacation, lol. But true to my promise to myself, I’m keeping this a place just for me to talk about whatever I want and not a place for me to try to gain followers or likes. Just me being me on the internet.

Without further ado:

Every summer as long as I can remember, like since I was nine or ten, I’ve had some pretty lofty goals for myself. I mean, I never really get there, but I always choose to hope for it. I head off to camp this weekend and my posting (and cell service) will be quite intermittent, so running this off while I have time.

Here are my goals/amorphous blob things for this summer:

  1. Get at least basic proficiency in French. I’m a huge language nerd, and am mostly fluent in Spanish, and French seemed like a nice complement to that. I’m also going to take an American Sign Language class in the fall, which I’m SUPER excited for (sign grammar is actually really cool and what convinced me that I am actually a grammar nerd on the inside).
  2. Get my drawing to a point where I can be proud of it. No goals in the quantitative sense, really, but I’ve always liked doodling and drawing and would really like to be less insecure about it and develop a style of my own.
  3. Practice a LOT of cello. I’m a cellist, and that’s a big part of me being me, but I’ve been caught up with school and end-of-year stuff as of late, and really want to take summer (and music camp) as a time to focus on myself with that.

So yeah. Yay me, I guess.

Peace,

Seren

Not Knowing

When I was little, I used to always be so proud of knowing what I wanted to do. From the time I was eleven or twelve, I would always tell people all about how I was interested in psychology and wanted to become a therapist (even after people tried to shame me for it, but that’s a different story).

I still want that. Inside of me is still the same little girl who thinks she might be able to save the world one person and one hug at a time. I’m realizing now, though, that maybe it’s time to not know what I want. To not know where I’m going, and to explore instead. To keep my options open and know that the career I might end up in might be something that doesn’t even exist yet.

Knowing where I was going used to feel freeing: if I knew what I wanted, then no one else could tell me to do something else. Now, though, it’s started to feel a little suffocating. It feels like when I say I know where I’m going, it means I don’t have the freedom to change my mind, and that’s not true. I’m still, for all intents and purposes, a kid, and I don’t have to have everything all figured out yet. 

Maybe college isn’t as much about getting where I want to go now, but about learning that I have so many more choices and options than I ever thought possible.

Let me know what you think in the comments!

Seren

A Very Abridged Guide To Not Dying

So, more ACEs content coming up! (Yay, I guess?)

Like some of you guys know, I’m planning on going into psychology research and this is actually something I’d love to spend my life studying: how some people with ACEs beat the statistics.

(This is, like, the most unscientific thing ever and based on my personal experiences and the survivors I know, so, heads up.)

I think of it as three parts, sort of.

  • reflection: the ability to be self-aware, to think about my trauma and how it’s affected me
  • connection: making survivor friends is why I’m functional. relationships: both with my friends and with my therapist.
  • resilience: this might be the hardest to explain, but I think of it as whatever part of me that has always refused to give up, no matter what’s happened.

Let me know what you think in the comments!

Writing and other things

I don’t think I’m a good writer. That’s not why I do it, anyways. I don’t write because I’m good, I write because, honestly? I sort of feel that I have to. I write because it keeps me from losing my crap (or more of my crap than I already have).

Oh, also I think it’s probably keeping me from an early death. Morbid, I know, but bear with me for a second. I have five ACEs (adverse childhood experiences). This basically means that, statistically speaking, I’m more likely to have chronic health issues (physical and mental) and die an early death, among some other things that I don’t feel like getting into this early in the morning.

I have no intention of becoming a statistic. That said, I’ve already seen some of this stuff popping up in my life, between my PTSD diagnosis and some other assorted goodies I seem to have accumulated. But I’ve gotten to meet a handful of people, who, like me, have a concerning number of ACEs, and seem to be doing pretty well. Writing seems to be a part of that, and so I just keep doing it, even if sometimes I look down at what I’ve just written and decide it looks like absolute crap.

Let me know what you think in the comments!

Seren